Jody A Miller, Attorney At Law

The following article was written by Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, Founder of Child-Centered Divorce

Divorce is a time for disconnect. It’s not uncommon for you to feel alone, rejected and insecure in the months following your divorce. So can your children. It is important for you to strengthen your bond with your children during this time of transition – whether you are living with them or apart.

Children want to know they are still loved, valued and cared about. Show them, tell them and keep in close communication with them – during the happy times and the sad ones. They need to know they have a safe place to turn, a shoulder to cry on and a non-judgmental ear when they need it. If divorce has been tough on you – remember it’s even tougher on them – whether they confide that to you or not.

Here are five important ways to reinforce your connection with the children you love.

1. Connect through notes:

If you’re living together, slip a note in your child’s lunch box or notebook every few days. A quick joke, cartoon, reminder about a special event ahead or just a warm “I Love You!” will let them know they’re on your mind and in your heart. If you’re not spending time together, send an email note or a quick text message to convey that you’re thinking about them.

2. Connect through idle chats:

Take advantage of idle moments here and there when you’re together with your child. Driving in the car is a great time to ask questions, share your feelings, and be empathic about their comments. When you’re helping them with homework, cooking meals together or doing other chores you can strike up a conversation as well. Just be careful not to turn these communications into lectures. You’re there to listen, reflect and learn. If you judge or condemn, you’ll close the door to hearing any more.

3. Connect through bedtime routine:

It’s always wise to create a before bedtime routine with your children that integrates warm connection. Spend time reading books on changing themes, talk about your own childhood memories and challenges. Share your own insecurities and how you overcame them. It’s also beneficial to ask your child about the best part of their day or a new lesson they learned. Bedtime routines help you both unwind and appreciate one another. It also creates a security bond that most children really value.

4. Connect through a new project:

After divorce many things change in a child’s life. It’s a good opportunity to create connection through new projects that take on special meaning. Whether it’s a multi-day puzzle, a plastic model you complete together, new shelves or other decorating project in their bedroom, this shared time is a wonderful time to talk, listen to music and make a stress-free connection.

5. Connect through special dates:

Every now and then create a special outing alone with just one of your children. Take them to lunch, the zoo, a big-city shopping trip, a sports game or a wonderful movie. Children cherish alone time with you and the opportunity to catch up with one another without competition from siblings. Prepare this “date” in advance so you both have something to look forward to. End the date with a token gift as a keepsake “reminder” of your time together.

It doesn’t take a lot of effort to reinforce your connection with your children, especially as you all transition through and after a divorce. It’s the sincerity of your effort, not the money you spend, that impacts their lives and helps them to feel safe, loved and secure despite the changes and challenges created by the divorce.

Connection time will also heighten your awareness about your children’s attitudes, moods and feelings so you can address potential problems early-on before they become serious behavior issues. Create the time to keep connected with your kids. You won’t regret it!

For Rosalind Sedacca’s free articles, ezine and other valuable resources visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com .

Finding ways to stretch the family dollar is often the most difficult task in adjusting to life post divorce. Here is the start of a guide for beginning the process of adjusting to a new cash flow reality. Create a budget with the goal of achieving the following results.
1. Detail all income and expenses
a. Determine your net disposable income from employment, support and any other sources.
b. Get your checkbook register, checking account statement and credit card receipts.
c. Categorize your expenses into home, food, entertainment, etc. on a monthly basis.
d. Create a separate budget for child related expenses
e. Categorize your expenses between Fixed and Discretionary.
f. Determine your Total Spending.
2. Create guidelines for your spending in each category.
a. Remember these are just guidelines.
b. If you treat them like rules you must follow you will miss the benefit associated with realizing you have made a positive change.
3. Create a snapshot of your financial world.
a. Compare your Net Disposable Income to your Total Spending.
b. Once you have the first snapshot of your income and expenses you can begin planning to make changes.
c. Decide what constitutes a realistic budget.
i. Compare your children’s budget to the National Averages here http://www.cnpp.usda.gov/Publications/CRC/crc2006.pdf
ii. Determine your debt to income ratio by determining what percentage of your monthly income goes to paying debts. If it exceeds 28%; consider trying to reduce your debt load.
d. Find where you can cut discretionary expenses. Discretionary expenses include entertainment and dining out and offer the best source of budget cuts.
Working through this process with a Financial Planner will be helpful even necessary for some folks. You are not alone in your dread for budgeting. Humans are built with the evolutionary skew towards surviving today at the expense of tomorrow.
________________________________________
This checklist was created by Justin Reckers, CFP®, CDFA™, AIF®
Justin is a Managing Director of Pacific Divorce Management; a San Diego based firm specializing in the financial aspects that arise for couples going through a divorce. Justin has developed a passion for guiding people through what can be the most emotionally and financially devastating period in their life. He provides education and support during difficult decision making processes in order to facilitate rational and informed conclusions for clients. Justin also serves as a Financial Planner for Pacific Wealth Management, LLC, a San Diego-based investment management, consulting, and financial planning company where he specializes in comprehensive financial planning. His practice includes a comprehensive post divorce financial planning program for clients dedicated to preparing for financial independence and long term success during the post divorce transition. This program was developed with his Family Law experience in mind having seen the negative effects of lack of follow through.
For more information on Justin Reckers or to get in contact with him, go to his homepage: www.pacdivorce.com

Here are some helpful tips to remember when going through a divorce:

By Lisa C. Decker, CDFA(TM)
 
 
Moving into the next chapter of your life means wrapping up old business so that you can stay focused on the future.  Here are a few helpful tips to make sure that you don’t leave open any doors that really should be closed for good.
 
Some parting items that you and / or your attorney may need to deal with when your divorce decree is handed down.
 
Assets: 
•         Remember to separate all accounts and change titles where applicable.
•         For investment accounts it is most important to change your beneficiary designations as these will override what is written in a will.  If this step is missed your ex could end up with assets you did not intend for them to have.
•         Don’t forget to have your attorney file QDRO’s if you have qualified funds to split as a part of your divorce settlement agreement.
 
Debts / Liabilities:
•         Remember to separate all accounts and change titles where allowed.
•         If  you are still liable for joint debts that could not be separated before the divorce was final, then make it a top priority to get your name removed from as many joint debt accounts as possible now and when able in the future (such as when the primary residence can be refinanced).
•         Make sure to review your credit reports from all three agencies in 3-6 months after the divorce is finalized and correct any errors you may find.
•         Make sure that your divorce decree handles what will be done with any joint taxes that may be owed or refunded.  This includes federal, state, local, property and potentially others.
 
Protection:
•         Be sure to visit an estate planning attorney and have your wills changed.
•         Change beneficiaries on all life insurance policies.  As with investments, these beneficiary designations override a will.
•         Change and remove spouse from other insurance policies – Health, Homeowners, Auto, Umbrella, etc.
 
Support:
•         If you are receiving spousal and child support and need to go back to court to ask for modifications in the future, please beware of the IRS child contingency rules that could put you in a potential tax trap if you are the one paying support.  Make sure to check with your CDFA or CPA if you do ask for a modification around either of these items so you don’t inadvertently end up with a hefty tax bill.
 
These are items that are frequently forgotten amid the turmoil of divorce.  It is vitally important that you follow-up on these things as soon as possible to avoid unintended consequences that can come back to haunt you years later.
 
©2008-2010 Lisa C. Decker, CDFA(TM) All Rights Reserved.
 
Lisa C. Decker, CDFA, is an expert in divorce financial matters as she guides clients to “Divorce Your Spouse, Not Your Money(TM).”  To learn industry insider secrets on “How to Avoid Losing Control of Your Mind, Money & Material Possessions in Divorce” so you keep more money in your own pocket when dealing with your spouse, your attorney and Uncle Sam go here:  http://vur.me/dmm/Save-Money-in-Divorce.

(NAPSI)-The fact that parents are divorced should not keep special occasions such as holidays and birthdays from being joyous events–if both parents commit to shared planning, scheduling and coordination.
Divorced dad Paul Volker was navigating shared custody with his ex-wife when the stress of the situation inspired him to turn to the Internet for a better solution to their scheduling conflicts.
When he couldn’t find a resource online for divorced parents, he launched OurFamilyWizard.com  to help families reduce stress and manage schedules seamlessly.
The company’s mission is to make communication between divorced parents with shared or joint custody more effective and less stressful for the children. The site offers a neutral location where parents can let down their guard and ultimately do what’s best for their kids.
Top tips divorced parents can follow to help reduce the stress of shared or joint custody include:
• Have a plan and discuss it with your child. Let your kids know where they will be and with whom for upcoming events so they are prepared in advance. The site offers kids access to family information, such as shared calendars, free of charge with a family subscription.
• Keep kids out of the middle. Many divorced parents rely on their children to act as a messenger about changes to visitation schedules and other important matters. It’s the adults’ responsibility to show children they can count on their parents to provide organization, consistency and stability after divorce.
• Provide reassurance. Children of divorced parents need to feel protected and loved. It’s important to provide reassurance and comfort to kids during significant, landmark occasions, such as the holidays and birthdays. Let them know that there is a plan in place and that both parents are on board.
• Use technology to stay organized and keep the peace. Planning and scheduling through a neutral Internet site allows divorced parents to communicate with each other without the need to pick up the phone. It’s a secure and fair way for both parents to participate in the process away from the children. The site features shared family calendars, protected message boards, notifications and reminders, a family journal, information management and an expense log.
Visit OurFamilyWizard.com for more information.

Check out the following website, which helps divorced parents communicate regarding their children and offers software aimed at facilitating communication and eliminating the emotional component of dealing with finances, scheduling and communication: //www.allaboutthechildren.us/.  The software helps parents communicate about anything regarding their children, including school and extracurricular actvities and special events, news, parenting time, and even finances related to the children.

On June 1, 2009, the Supreme Court of Georgia held that the length of a divorcing couple’s entire relationship, including the time they cohabitated together before they were ceremonially married, could be considered when ruling on the wife’s request for alimony.  The parties had actually been married and divorced and began living together after their divorce.   The couple married for a second time after living together after their first divorce.  During the second divorce proceedings, the trial court seemed to consider the entire amount of time the parties spent together, even including their first marriage, when deciding the issue of alimony.  The husband appealed the case to the Georgia Supreme Court, and that Court ruled that the trial court was free to consider the parties’ entire relationship, even the period before the ceremonial marriage, when awarding alimony and the court’s discretion included consideration of the length of the parties’ premarital cohabitation.

The following article was written by Deborah Hecker, Ph.D., and gives parents some tips regarding how to handle children during divorce.  Good advice!

HELPING CHILDREN COPE WITH HEARTBREAK 

WHEN CHILDREN GRIEVE

Children are affected by divorce as strongly as the divorcing parents are. Age can make a difference, helping or harming depending upon the family structure and the child’s emotional maturity level. For any child, however, a divorce between his or her parents is a deeply stressful event. Pain comes from several sources; a sense of vulnerability as the family fragments, grief over the loss of the intact family, grief over the loss of the non-custodial parent, intense anger in response to the family disruption, and strong feelings of powerlessness. Imagine all the emotions adults go through in divorce. Children go through every single one of them as well.

Children caught in a divorce are experiencing multiple losses. Any one of these losses is enough to break a child’s heart. Taken together, they are overwhelming. Among the losses for the child are: 

…Loss of the expectation that the family would remain as a unit.

…Loss of familiarity and routines.

…Loss if safety.

…Loss of home or change to dual addresses.

…Loss of childhood and innocence.

…Loss of trust.

Children are taught to love, trust, and honor their parents. They learn conflict resolution from their parents. Imagine how disturbing and confusing it must be to children when their parents abandon their pledge to love, trust and honor each other and fail at the very conflict resolution techniques they have taught their children. How do parents teach their children about love and divorce simultaneously?

Fear of abandonment exists in all children. These normal fears of abandonment and loss are markedly intensified by parental divorce. The primary conflict children see in divorce boils down to the fear of losing both of their parents. They fear that parental love won’t be there when they need it and that their parents may even leave or abandon them.

EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON PARENTS’ ABILITY TO PARENT

The role of parent should not stop after divorce. Yes, the newly divorced parents may still be grieving, but they must not ignore the children’s grief. Not only have their entire lives been turned upside down, but so too have their children’s. The ability of some divorcing parents to separate their needs from their children’s and effectively parent may be so diminished that they are capable of completely overlooking their children’s grief. While compromised parenting is an expected short-term consequence, there is serious potential for these changes in parenting style to become chronic if the parents do not focus on the relationship with their child.

There are other factors that make it easy for parents to disregard their children’s grief. Children often mask their grief with other emotions – most notably anger. Depending on their ages, and personalities, some children may not even be aware of the loss while others may be devastated by it. Some children deny their grief due to embarrassment, their own anger or a desire to hurt (or protect) their parents.

In her article, “Children After Divorce: Wounds That Don’t Heal” (The Psychiatric Times: Medicine and Behavior. 8: 8-11, 1989), Judith Wallerstein notes that in the wake of divorce, most custodial parents exhibit varying degrees of disorganization, anger, decreased expectations for appropriate social behavior of their children, and a reduction of the ability of parents to separate the child’s needs and actions from those of the adult. This kind of parental behavior can so overburden children that they may find themselves feeling responsible for their parents’ psychological well-being.

TIPS TO ASSIST PARENTS SEPARATING THEIR GRIEF FROM THEIR CHILDREN’S

A good proportion of divorcing parents will be in a highly emotional state as they attempt to work with their attorneys in creating parenting arrangements and strategies. The parents’ focus is likely on

themselves and not on the children. They will need to be reminded that the process is about the children’s welfare and not about theirs. In considering the needs of children, parents must separate their complicated emotional factors from the legal ones. Failure to do so can bias their ability to make objective determinations about the children’s welfare.

The following are pragmatic suggestions for helping parents better understand and meet the needs of their children during and after the divorce:

*     The “best interests of the children” does not mean the immediate gratification of the parent and his/her need for me-me-me. Over and over again, the focus should be pro-child and centered on building a safety net for the children.

*     Children must be kept out of the middle – not just during the divorce proceedings but every day, no matter, how old the child, how challenging the circumstance, or how much the soon-to-be former spouse is despised.

*     Parents must learn to put aside their stresses, to compartmentalize their adult conflicts and to remain present and available to the children.

*     Raising a healthy child is a team sport that requires active contribution and collaboration from both parents. Success or failure depends largely on the cooperation, communication and coordination of mother and father.

*     Some of the emotional hurdles that parents have to overcome include: unresolved grief over the failed marriage, resentment and competitiveness, and territoriality over the children.

*     Children are not unaware of their surroundings. They easily pick up on their parents’ expressions and actions, often more so than their words. It is natural for parents to not want their children to feel bad. However, children feeling badly is not a bad thing. Dismissing children’s feelings is dangerous.

*     Parents need to reassure their children early on and often that the divorce is not their fault.

*     Arguing with one’s former spouse or criticizing them in front of the children is never acceptable.

*     Children should never be forced to take sides in any dispute between their parents.

*     Let children be children. It is easy, but wrong, to make adolescent or adult children confidants in dealing with parents’ recovery and fears. Even if children seem capable of handling these concerns, they rarely are.

CONCLUSIONS

In a perfect world, there would be no divorce. However, in the real world there is divorce. The collateral damage to children of divorce can be monumental. The consequences of divorce impact almost all aspects of a child’s life, including the parent-child relationship, emotions and behavior, psychological development, and coping skills. Therefore, there is a significant need for parents to be cognizant of the broad spectrum of possible fall-out from a divorce so that they can protect their children to the best of their ability.

Dr. Deborah Hecker, Ph.D.

Phone: 1-888-777-3585

Email: PPDebbieP@aol.com